Candles
Dearest Terri!!!! It is over 2 years later and I just now found your messages!!! I am in tears and would love to connect! Are you able to send me a text 763-453-0039 and I will then share address and email! I am sad I didn’t find this right away but also happy I finally did!!
Libbie
"living eulogy.
she danced.
she sang.
she took.
she gave.
she loved.
she created.
she dissented. she enlivened.
she saw. she grew. she sweated.
she changed.
she learned. she laughed.
she shed her skin.
she bled on the pages of her days.
she walked through walls,
she lived with intention."
from Mary Anne Radmacher, vis-a-vis Jenna's Mother, Terri, who feels and knows that love lies bleeding in my hands. Forever, Momma
To any and all--please go to the beginning of the Tributes, back in early February, 2019. Posted there are memories from friends and other family as well as a number of pictures my sister posted right away. It is nearly 4 years later and I have not yet been able to write Jenna's obituary. Only a few days ago did I manage to put some photos up with her brother actually doing that. We have not ever had a Memorial Service for her. We had family immediate health concerns to deal with when we got back from the hospital in Charleston that continued on. My sister has said she would be with us if or when we ever have such a service-of some type. You good people looking in can also go to Photos for Jenna Rose Williams. It seems confusing-I am sorry. Every single thing has been confusing for such a long time-and it's only been a little bit of time really. I am, her broken-hearted Mother, Terri
It is your Earthly birthday. Four years ago, although you were extremely ill, you were still here with us, a vital person despite your terrible trials. Looking at the clock I see that you were born not even one hour ago-44 years ago. Another hour or two later I have a picture of you over my shoulder actually holding your head up and truly looking around. I always knew you would be my "watcher." It helped you in so many ways-and helped so many others, be they human or any animal, at all, anywhere. It gave you an eye for art, photography and joy. There are pictures of you here at "our" beach cottage, "Onadune" at Crescent Beach, Florida and some at our own home with your older sister and younger brother. There are some with a small part of your Dad's side of the family. There are a couple at your Grandparent's house, celebrating birthday with your little brother, of whom you were so proud and of your loving & patient Grandad Spencer at Christmas putting new shoes on you-you with the bows in your hair! Lovely close ups, two- and two you asked me if you could post during one of your chemo treatments of you and me. Then, there is your beloved cello. And laughing in the rain because-it is FUN! You look so pretty in the lavender, satin blouse, black skirt and silver belt-and the two close-ups, one in color and one in black and white-that is an unusual and stunning one. You were stunning and unusual in a very good way, my darling one. The one I took from behind when you were young at Hilton Head, facing the ocean, says it all. I have more-but I will do them later, as I was promised I could. You are missed more than any of us can say. We love you dearly, Jenna Rose xoxoxo *To those wanting to look at the recently uploaded pictures just below, please click on one and it will go to a full page which can easily be scrolled through. I hope you enjoy these reminders of her and her life of love, joy, serenity and calmness and sense of wonderment, spirit and something of her inner strength. Thank you to her beloved brother for getting these on this site! I love you- a LOT! Mom
So, I "made it" past the 2nd-3rd without writing here. But I should have done, as my mind was cluttered with it the whole time. Trying not to keep a small diary here isn't worth the effort - on the contrary, it seems worse. But how can losing you be any worse? My hands and fingers are not working and haven't been for a long while but I can just about manage to type a little. So this has to be it. If I could hold a pencil, pen, paint brush, pastels, or curate your work-so much of it and so many types-a worthy task if ever there was one- but are out of my reach-though I pray I can do all that again-if my health will allow. Whatever comes at least I can remember the first time I knew I was going to have you, down to where I was---and the moment I first heard your heartbeat--and at a stoplight looked at the beautiful white clouds against the brilliant blue sky and the glow of the sun and on my way to your Father's office felt as though I was steering the car by those elements, or where I lay for the night at my Grandparent's beach cottage in Florida when I first felt you flutter with life inside of me. I remember all of that as if it were yesterday. I embrace it. I wish I could once again embrace you-feel you, smell you, stroke your hair and cheek, see your beautiful face and know your heart for that day's happenings. I knew it for good and all-but the day to day, moment to moment is beyond me. You stay with me-you always will-and yet, you are missing from me. I'm trying to reconcile it all-though I do not think I'm dong it very well. I'm sorry, my darling. I'm sorry about so much. You are my darling girl and I treasure it all- the wonders and the horrors-that we kept trying to deal with-and did, as very best as we all could. You, my dearest, were marvelous. Your outlook, your enterprise and your attitude were life-affirming, love-affirming. Oh, how I miss you. My sweet young lady-I send all my love-it just does not have you here to land on. Bless you! With All My Love, Momma xo
4 years ago today you were still with us on Earth, planning for Christmas, enjoying searching for just the right gift for someone dear and a funny or beautiful way to disguise whatever it turned out to be. Always the clever one, that creative mind of yours was always at work--& at play--to find exactly the meaningful choice. You did not ever fail at that and I know you had such a wonderful time doing it. I love that you had such joy in thinking of, searching for and getting a just-right and special something for your special someone! I miss that joy of yours. I miss that little gleam in your eye when you teased, but only a little- to say, "Hmmm, that reminds me-you are going to really like what I got for you!" And whatever was going on had nothing to do with it-just something else to good naturedly do the Christmas teasing with the grown-ups (only) that comes with the territory of being related to you--and a few others that came before you! One month after Christmas Eve, you were born. I was SO pregnant-ok, ok-can't be a little pregnant-but I mean I was big-and still hosted Christmas for our family-so happy, so happy that you were on your way to us. I "felt" that you were going to be a girl-as I felt like your older sister would be, too. This was obviously in the days before the technology was there to find out. But I just knew. Your name had been chosen-a "new-fashioned" one that I had heard when I saw a movie at age 16 and an old-fashioned one, because we were a combination of those things, I rightly believed. Also, because I read that long article about Rose Kennedy on one of my "long night's of the soul." But we had you with us 4 years ago and we went to Hopeland Gardens to see the lights, see the beauty of the place and though I used to go there a lot, just to meander through such a glorious place left to our fair, little city that lifts the soul and the senses and is so inspiring, different and beautiful, I have not gone there since. It still does all of those wondrous things and I'm grateful our town was bequeathed it, but you were gone so soon after that. So soon, too soon. I know it is not my place or in my power to say when and how but I'm so glad we did go that night. If your Aunt had not come for Christmas that year, I'm not completely sure that you would have gone! But we all wanted to do something else to make Christmas memorable that year-and we had such a good time. Waiting in line for the bus or the Trolley that took us there, I remember talking with my little family, who made me feel that I had the whole World with me, and watching the young children run with abandoned excitement that comes with being "that age" and still "believing" in what we believed as kids, too. We all understood and it was fun to watch and hear, and assure the parents they were truly not troubling us at all, with a knowing look, a smile and a twinkle in all of Our eyes. I remember your incredible powers of observation on display that night-you always were my "watcher" and you spotted so much but I really recall you pointing out that very, very poor choice of a dog collar some person had on their large dog and speaking quietly to us about it. You were the only one of us who saw it and also knew why it was a terrible choice for the animal. How many animals in your dear, short life did you ever notice and come to the aid of? I think of so many you saved! And how you loved learning about any type from anywhere. Oh, how I miss you! My beloved girl-who loved so well while you were here. And so this is Christmas..... but I cannot find it, cannot "make" it come as I used to adore doing-- you are so terribly missed by those you loved--I have not the words. Part of my own personal grief has been that I have way too many words--but none of them speak to you and help carry you forward-as I do in my heart. I just bug people by talking too much! Or, not at all. You always seemed to know what to do. I used to. 4 years ago today you were still with us. I love you forever. "Mommy"
We got the pie that you like the best for Thanksgiving, Jenna. Did we get it for you that last Thanksgiving we had together?? I hope so-I surely do hope so- so much. I can't imagine that we didn't-I just don't remember that part. Your brother cooked-didn't he do great? I could not. Yeah, he did great and we got the pie that is your favorite. Good night, my darling girl. Mom
I can't sleep. You are missing from me. I have gotten very sick. I have 2 illnesses that are painful. I miss you. I love you. I'm so sad without you. Momma
Hi Honey. You know I'm tired, don't you? In fact I know I don't have to "ask" it--and you know I've gotten a couple more weirdo things going on with this mortal coil. Good Grief, huh? How I wish I could just hug you and have you hug me back. I think that maybe if I try to relax into it and think that way and open up--it could happen. Right? Are you with me? Are you near me sometimes? We all miss you so much and every day and night. Nothing normal about our sleep- but then, -guess I'll go with , "it is what it is." But oh, you are dear and oh how I loved being your Momma. And even though I had to lose you-the terrible thing of losing you-I know you do not hurt anymore-I know you do not have to go through the hard things you so bravely went through for so long-and that it is that way for you, is a comfort. At least there is that. And the fact that in my head, my heart, and my soul, you always were and always will be, my most beloved daughter, forever. I am drifting into imagining I'm kissing your sweet cheek now-and even on your pretty nose- Oh, Jenna. Good night, my darling. Mom
Dearest, I just have not been able to write. I am sorry. I have looked to this place as somewhere that I can express myself and have been working toward getting pictures together to tell the remarkable story that is your life. And still, have not been able to write the obituary. Pretty pathological by now, wouldn't you agree? Yep, I know that you do. I just pictured you cutting your eyes over at me, which was going to make me laugh, really hard. I can see the expression on your face, too! But different things have happened that make it really hard to do it--in fact, it has triggered me, big time, and caused a lot of damage to me personally. I will wait to see how things come about as one should. But I have been severely affected. To the point of not even being able to get out of bed and get a shower. Yeah, I know depression when I see it and feel it- and this is it- however, I will definitely say this- it is situational depression. As your brave life and fighting back, for so many years-what-19 years, and we all trying to help and then your Earthly time being over forever, so dramatically and quickly, presented situational problems for us all, this brings it ALL back in a most awful way. But I will wait. That is what I know I am supposed to do because there are many things to be brought to light and cleared up. It's just that I realize that no matter what happens or how far away from the original date it is, I and others, are extremely close to being at the edge of yet another terrible bout of situational illness. Yes, it has been physical , too. I know that you know all this and after a phone call from a friend who saw you in a dream and saw me too and called and told me about it, what was happening, for which I am SO grateful, I will say that helped me!! So "Thank You" for your visitation to her-you know I trust her and that she is a prayer warrior and you know what she meant to me, now and especially during the times of your many hospitalizations and being so near death for such a long and so many, many times. She knew without a single doubt that I'd understand it and you knew I would too! Thank you for that, my lovely girl. You are so loving and generous and such a good person and loving spirit. It gave me a lift!! Thank you, thank you. I realize now, for sure, that you saw my suffering. So you did something about it and it was not only me that you helped, in that short gesture, that was SO important. I love you, darling Jenna Rose. Your Mom, xoxoxo
Hello, Darling girl. It is that time-your date and also, the last time we, here, ever saw Dad alive. We visited and I put his shoes on him and tied them. They were new. He was so glad to see us but had lost SO much weight. He kept his hand up to say goodbye, as he always did, but this time, it stayed up and up and up. I told your brother, in the backseat with me, to look at that and did he see it? He did. We watched that together and I told him to "Never forget this moment." He replied, "I won't." He hasn't. But Lord, does he ever miss his sister! You knew he missed Daddy. Can you help him now in any way? I wonder that-I do. The next time we saw him was in the room at George Funeral Home, when we went to check on him, as was asked by Mother, and to say our good byes, too. The four of us went. It is a hard time. I know you two found each other. I love you all so much and am missing you all so much. The candle is green for Spring and growth. Your Mother and the daughter of your dear Grandad, Mom & Terry xoxo xoxo
Jenna, my love, what is it that has me so thrown this month-this year? I've thought about it and then let it go to a place where I, after pondering, came up with this: " It is Spring."Springtime was when I, the whole family + some great person I would hire to help-&pay them well-'cause it's not easy-windows inside and out-the deepness and thoroughness of it and the wonderful feeling of accomplishment and renewal after that. We would take a whole weekend to do the cleaning, inside and outside of the house, and it was also a good gardening time. You were always interested in whatever I was doing-to the wonderful place of WE were doing it! Plus, as I've said before, you were learning to walk well and just loved walking all around me, playing, laughing, watching-just happy, happy, times. Resplendent with deep joy. Feeling as though I knew what our purpose in this life was-to love, to share, to find peace and joy, quiet times and laughter, reading to you to helping you learn to read and love it-softball-Oh, I'm literally aching when the extreme sorrow floods in. I have been trying to let it be in me, not judge or change it, not to stop it and not to lose it-but to allow the feelings to be there, let them wash over and even through me and thereby, feeling closer to you-while at that same moment, feeling such a deep sense of lost that unless I KNEW I HAVE to do this and learn different ways, all the time, of coping, that it would not be what you would want for me. I do know that. You proved that in the way you chose to say goodbye-that was the bravest, most compelling and complete act of love I've ever witnessed and certainly, felt. This is what is called The Candle of Nature, so I thought it appropriate. You are loved-as you were always loved. Your Momma xoxoxo
Goof morning, (here), Darling :). You know what day this is and the three of us plus 1 here today will be thinking of you --how could we all not?--yet it is my core hope that we can do that with the type of emotions you would very much care that we can try to have and can actually have. I know that about you-and those who really knew you would definitely agree. It is a day of great celebration and that is what we are doing. It is already known, I believe truly, that it is already known what we need and we want to be able to be an open vessel for the goodness and the very, very happy, most memorable day. That said, I can hope that you will here, be around here, in a way that you would know best-or if you can't do that right now, for whatever reason, or maybe even just because you have the better idea, send emissaries of peace and joy and love and helpfulness to us. I , WE, will miss you a bit more today! And that, some would say, is not even possible because of how we miss you, have always, since you had to leave, and every single day thenceforth. You know that will continue until we meet again-in whatever form that will be. Of that I am confident--but there is a negative pull that could be felt if we aren't protected from that-I believe we are. Having worse days than others, though all are difficult, is something that is just going to happen. I have to realize and face that and turn it over. The Griefshare and other information that is being presented to me through our friend, through her loss, is helpful each day. Plus other places I read and study, a lot. And I also know it will continue to be important to take a knee or take a day and do only what I need to do, must do, as I believe that is a positive, kind, way to treat myself. I understand that in others. They just are different , mostly, in the way they approach it. You now-men. Harrumph. Trying to kid and joke a bit here-I see, I feel, I am very aware that most men process so many parts of life differently than most women. You know that but I think you would also be generously reminding me that it is also, very much an individual approach. Good Grief! Maybe that is what happened just now for me. Oh, Jenna, you were such a better person than I. Your life has amazed me and your sharing your life with us was the best we ever could have hoped for-major understatement, that! Whatever it is you are doing in time I will strongly hope you can feel us and our love-that it may waft around you and encircle you with the arms of those who love you. With all my love , Mom xoxoxoxo
Candle of Peace for Jenna Rose. Green for growth, newness, lotus blossom-you know who that is from and the stones-that give the earth much. Peace be with you and with us and with your friend and loved ones, my Dearest. Mother xo
You died 3 years and 4 hours ago. When I wrote the first one of these, it was 3yrs.,3&1/2 hours. Then, I pressed the wrong button. Yeah, I hear you! Oh darling girl, we are missing you so greatly. I found out real late tonight that your Dad and brother had talked about that night and what happened but didn't include me. And I'm the one that always wants to talk about you and they won't or can't. Good Grief, huh? You get it. They thought I didn't want to or wasn't able. Maybe I wasn't-I am now unsure after he said that. I remember all the hard things and being so brave-you were always so brave and so strong-yet so gentle and so pure of spirit. What a true blessing that God decided to put us all together-that I got to be your Momma! I remember walking along the sidewalk holding hands when I walked to the neighborhood church to pick your up from 4-year kindergarten. From the moment I knew you were growing in me, I felt like I couldn't barely wait to meet you but it was almost as though I already knew you. You were so strong and so curious as a newborn. I have the picture to prove it-just a few hours old, holding your head up-NOT being a bobble-head, over my left shoulder. Your eyes were wide open and looking, REALLY looking. I knew early on that you were "my Watcher" child. And your strength-which turned out not to be only physical but emotionally and mentally and in your deep spirituality and your connections to every single living thing on the planet! We always had so much fun together-no matter what age or what circumstances-we just did. You were not the teenage girl who turned away from her Mother because that's what teenagers so often do. You turned towards me even more-I cannot yet get over the feeling that I let you down in some ways. This is not about me-it is about you. YOU were our gift and we all loved you, appreciated you, watched after you and watch you play alone with such imagination and fun! And we watched you and any kind of animal from the moment you came home to the dog and cats. That became part, a large part, of your life's work. Although you were working full-time it was at an animal supply chain and you did more to educate the parent's and kids that came in on how to take care of what it was they wanted, without ever making them feel anything but more aware. You had such a way of talking to people. And to animals. And you in school full-time, doing so well. I just remembered this: the night you graduated from High School, on the way over-you were already there, I think, I kept playing "Good Bye Ruby Tuesday" in the car, over and over again. Generous, talented, curious and a calm person with a plethora of knowledge that you learned yourself after school was out-though you were going to the college- you loved to self-educate. I always gave you paints and crayons and scissors and markers and stickers, glue, decent paintbrushes, and any surface I could think of -and you thought of a few your own! And, we had so much fun creating together. I remember when you were around 6 years old and we nailed a lot of boards together to make a bit of a lopsided circle-each board slightly different. And then, you got to painting on it! I just let you go and man, was it ever wonderful. We had a friend, smart- who like folk art and pointed it out at our house as though some marvelous folk artist had done that and we had collected -bought it. I still the look on his face when I said you had done it. He was speechless, a rarity for this fine friend. Amusing-but the truth was told! And then you were turning in to a better and better artist. And your photography- fantastic! Your writing- stupendously talented. Some things were funny and other's really made a person think and they were full of truth and almost scarey to read honesty, when called for. You were GOOD! You had the gift. You had the touch. You had the curiosity and the drive and the joy of creating! I wonder a lot about what you would have done with those creative gifts if you'd had more time. But, prolific you were, even though "our" studio never came to fruition. Jenna, did you know we were there with you all those last days, right beside you. Could you hear and understand what I would say into your good ear? Did you see us? Did you feel our love? When you went, I looked up-did you see me? The ICU nurses were just wonderful, weren't they? They were like angels for you and for your poor Father and me. You made our lives more interesting, more "livable", more full and happy and just More! Because you came as yourself, always. We were there honey-did you see? Can you see now? Hear us? One thing you know I thought of was that ,"Now Jenna can hear perfectly fine again!" That was a joyful thought. Although you never complained about that, either. I must tell myself that when you left, you passed through opening and went onwards-I want to know what you saw, smelled, heard, tasted, felt like and more. Always, I wanted to protect you-and did-and also you had the space to find yourself in. We backed you up because we knew we could count on you for thinking things through all the way to the end or sitting and talking with us or a trusted friend to run your thoughts past. You were such a good friend to people. Once you gave your heart in love and your caring and time in friendship, it was unshakeable. Very! I know that you had healthy boundaries and you found yourself having to use them a few times, for people that had really stomped on your head. For one thing, it had hurt deeply, like the person you did so much with and were such a good friend to and you needed their bolstering when our dear dog had to be put down. That person that animals would never, ever, go to heaven-and it hurt you to the core! You had always supported her, no matter what. You just needed help from a friend, instead she bashed you over the head with some nutty ideas she'd been taught-there are so many instances in the Bible where it is spoken of that animals of all sorts are there. Here I am, fighting an old wound I know you carried, still. I guess that is why I am a Mother and most specifically, your Mother. We were just wonderful together, weren't we, My Love? I almost feel that if I stop writing this, I'll lose a connection with you I have right now! But, I must stop-God bless your Aunt and the woman, Erin from George that happened to end up talking to each other that day while I was in the hospital in Aiken with your Father, who just fell out-could not take it, He almost joined you-but it was not his time, gratefully. I love you, Sweetheart. Good Night. Mommy gives you kisses and hugs, from us all ---xoxoxo and one from Charlie the Wonder Car, xo
I tried so very, very hard to get past these significant, to me, dates without coming here and putting something in. What it did was make me think about it all even more, as if that is even possible. So, if it helps me a little then I just need to not fight it. You fought so hard for so long and I fought right alongside you and we "won", for a long time-way longer than any Dr. and I mean good Dr's thought would happen. Remember, they were actually stunned! Brain tumors and surgeries notwithstanding, the head of the department in the specialized type of cancer you had declared it "miraculous." He took off his glasses, folded his arms, leaned back against the cabinet as if to be able to bolster his ability to stand, almost, and those were his exact words. So, darling girl, I believed that you were totally healed forever, meaning that you might hope to die an old woman, happy, warm and peaceful in your own bed. Then, five years later, nearly to the day we first got you back to Charleston, you were just gone in 5 and a half days. You are deeply loved and bitterly missed. Yes, of course I remember marvelous, wonderful, hilarious, usual and unusual times. It is an awfully strange feeling when the one person that could help is the one person that is gone! All My Love, Mom
It is 12:41 a.m. going from Dec. 2nd to Dec. 3rd. I cannot ever forget what was going on-except it was in February. Just barely missed Ground Hog's Day, Sweetie.
I LOVE YOU A LOT. Forever, I remain,
Your Devoted Mom
Betsy was so kind to help us with Thanksgiving dinner. And then, the most kindly, caring lady from the place we were getting the dinner, offered and did put her own self and $ forward-just because she wanted to, in some small part, help us all have something to look forward to! How dear. Her Mom had died and her Grandmother raised her- both of them, very well!-and she stayed with her Grandma for a lot of years and when she became ill, she spent the last nearly full year caring for her herself! Family taking good care of family, who have treated each other well. And, it flows over to others, like it did with us. I had a good day, we all did, and thoroughly enjoyed the food, etc.! It was a tasty treat! But then, really, Thanksgiving came and went and ...so did you. Now it is the date we called the ambulance-not this month, obviously, but the day of when you got up, then fell hard with your one leg under you and an ambulance to get you to a place you could be brought more "back" and head out, again, for Charleston. I cannot and have not found a way yet to get these dates out of my mind--it just doesn't work. I miss you, my darling , sweet girl. I hope you are having a wonderful time! Love, Mommy xo
I am remembering the numerical date of the 28th-the day we followed "your" ambulance back to Charleston. Have not slept all night. Am feeling pretty empty right now. You are sorely and keenly missed. With all of my love, your faithful Mother.
My Dearest "girl"- here we are. Where are you? I know my beliefs and you understood and knew yourself very well. You are the most precious gift--then the gift, for some reason"Too Wonderful For Me To Know", (referring to The Book of Job), in the Bible I use-actually, I have several that are important to me-several. I love you forever--for all Eternity, as we understand, or try to understand. We all do! Many,many people knew you-some here, some all over the world and you were so precious to think of them and if needed, steer the conversation into another direction-absolutely "no snarking, ever", was told to me by Elizabeth Lamp, Willow Brown-who wrote me a beautiful hand-penned letter, and so many more, the dear Gourmet cook that sent us that incredible basket of delights, and are so grateful for the people that gave to YourGoFund Me page which Sally Green (for Jim Williams) came up with the idea for and, blessings always to Dear Hank Sizemore-who got to see his precious baby granddaughter, hold her, know that a part of him would go on and on, and are so grateful to his sons, as well.
You loved well and you gave without thoughts of yourself-whatever we needed around here, Jenna Rose "found" it + all the other "it's", and surprised us with what you searched for and loved-along with all your paintings, drawings, photographs, and words I have found that makes me so proud of my sweet Daughter! There are people that remember you for as long as they will live-you are a beautiful, smart and incredibly loving human being. All our love Forever, Mom, Dad and Spencer, at the home we shared with you. xoxoxo
It is the early morning of the third of the month. I am in your room. I am at your desk, with your art and your words on the wall, your musical instruments, your books. I see your paints and your brushes, I see your canvasses and your shower items. Your hairbrushes and the different hair items that you ( and I) so loved to brush your hair with until it was dry. Your long, beautiful, thick, glowing hair, that smelled so good. I started out feeling it with my lips gently when you were first born. I can still remember the day when that changed-your hair had grown and it was different! It was almost sad. But I knew it was just part of you growing and changing. I see your rug you chose and the curtains you picked out. I smell your perfume and bought some just like it. I see the presents and gifts and cards I gave you and I see the way you arranged your room. I just do not see you. All My Love, Mom
Jenna, my Dearest, I received gracious note today from Lauren who included Erin (remember her?)saying she had read my posts to you. I tried to write them back,-mail,rather,& you know my a technology. But it was kind and generous and wanted to know about writing an obituary for you and putting a picture with it. So, I'm reaching out to you, Daughter, to help me reach them. I'd been meaning to call Erin because I finally found some pictures that I had been looking for that I want to put o your site there. It's just that your brother has to help me and you know it is hard on him. Oh, Jenna, nobody here can sleep well at all. My Dr. is trying some "out of the box" things for me, as you may know. I just don't know how to do anything, it seems, very well. I've always been able to pull myself out of awful events, eventually. This will never be okay-it will be different, I do pray. I am up and agitated. now but it is no one's fault-I just can't help it. I miss you, my darling, my beautiful soul who helped mend my life. I love you, Momma xoxo
Today, Jenna, the 4th of July, 2021, I once again "found" one of the veggie forums you were on and then what they all said when they realized you had died-it was pretty clear that you didn't tell many of them how very sick you were. Your Dad had difficulty when he read some of the kind and sad things these good folks had to say about you. I remarked to him that it was a gift you had-living in the moment. Not too many can achieve that and keep on achieving it every day, come what may, all the time. But you had it, my Beauty, you had that gift and you cultivated it, with purpose and intent. You were so good at living in the now-the nowness. And so giving and calm. If anyone from there- know they changed their name and what they changed it to, happens to ever read this, please don't hesitate to leave a message for me or us there. I would gladly "type" to you! Thank you for your feelings about her and for being there. Hello, B.! Jenna Rose's Mom, Terri
You would have enjoyed our "farm to table" veggie meal last night, Honey. Cecilia brought us lots of freshly-picked veggies and although it took me a long time, I finally produced fried okra, summer crookneck squash and onions with a brown butter sauce and noodles with a butter, olive oil, garlic infusion. Your brother was in 7th heaven. Your Dad enjoyed it as well. Considering how much I used to cook, constantly and happily, it is hard to not be able to do it --you knew how it was for me. It had become like that for you. But we both tried to substitute something we could do when other activities were taken from us. We miss you every day-we pray for you every day and we love you every second of every minute! Your Momma xo
Here we are again, my darling child! It is the 2nd of the month-although you died a little past 1:30 a.m. on what was really the third. I sat with you, spoke, loved, talked, explained to your Dad, got the divine nurses to back me up, gave you the last gift I could ever give you-being your Mom and feeling truly that God had answered what I always called, "My Secret Mother's Prayer". I made it up but God and you, too, made it come true! You are my gift. I am so sad without you and so exhausted. Love, Mommy xo
I am Jenna's extraordinarily grateful Mother--in that we "belonged" together- completely. I am and have been incredibly touched by the outpouring of love from her friends around the world, through FB, the Forums she was a member of for decades and the people she loved and loved her back! A truly amazing and wonderful, each in their own way, life-long friend-no matter how short her life turned out to be.
I particularly want to invite her cousin, Libbie, who wrote a couple of weeks ago to get our address from Uncle Arthur somehow--it's not too easy to get in touch with him but we will try that, too. Libbie, your darling Mother, whom Jim has always professed his love of, Karen and her dear husband, Tom, have never been far from our thoughts and prayers. When darling Peter had to "go home" way, way too soon, for your parents and his whole loving family, we cried. I clearly remember how adorable little Peter was- in the kitchen and Helen and Otis's last house in Columbia, was the first time I saw him! Just a beautiful child-beautiful. We "talked", Peter and I. I remember- I'll always remember. And I DO believe that he must have been watching over Kristie Lea when that horrible accident happened. What she went through , just to regain much of what was taken from her and the enormity of that journey pulls a family together. Some, I suppose, it undoes and I can understand why, but it was never that way with you all and her and it was never that way with Jenna and us! God is working all the time! Let us please try to be in touch-your parent's had asked for us to write and say what happened-at that point, I was incapable. I'd like to see if I'm capable now. I may not be but I believe I need to try. If it seems too much for Karen now, I understand. But I would like for you girls and your family to know what Jenna was made of---and the stories that will turn your hearts into a place that is even larger, I believe, because she was remarkable and God truly worked with and through her during her long, long journey. 17 years of facing almost certain death every time the Doctor's HAD to do something-from all the brain surgeries and relearning things and learning to live graciously with what she had and her battle with cancer-after she had beaten all the brain tumors back! I sincerely hope we can find a way to communicate more and better than we have been. We are family. xo Terri, Jim and Spencer and Jenna in Heaven
At this point, you were and had been unconscious, Jenna, dearest. Of course I kept talking to you and touching you. It was hard to get around all the equipment that was attached to the inside of , it seems like, every part of your body. The dialysis machine was on the side where we left your hearing aid in and I kept twisting my body around that to speak into your ear. Over and over. And touching you and watching everything, and getting help from the blessed ICU nurses, to explain to your Daddy what I told him was going on with you at any given moment. Sometimes it's easier to hear and perceive what someone says although I knew what I was telling him was correct. There were no judgements going on-just love and tenderness and the best possible care so that you were not suffering anything at all. I cannot go on with this so, well, YOU know, and God knows and I know and we love you forever. To My Girl, Momma
This was the last night we ever spoke together, forever. You KNEW you were going to leave
this Earth and said and did the bravest thing I've ever heard or seen. I saw your courage on display, all these 17 years. And your kindness. You're gentleness. You're forgiveness. Your Grace. It was your nature and you worked to cultivate that gift. A kinder person, a more truthful person, cannot be found, as far as your family and friends are concerned!
You were showing us, your parent's, the greatest love of all-doing something that would make it easier for us! The ICU nurses knew it when I told them what you had said and done. The words of "missing you" are weak, I think. It is and will aways be SO much more. Word fail me now, my darling girl. I "felt" you today but then I closed off from that-- it will be in God's time not ours.(mine) I am eternally grateful that we were able to be by your bedside, constantly, the last day and 3/4's. The ICU nurses were absolutely the "perfect" one's, for you and our family situation. Bless them and I pray for them and think of them. Always will. The continuity of care was outstanding. We stayed right beside you as the minutes and hours ticked away. And, my "secret Mother's prayer", to the Lord. (just between us), was fulfilled by Him/Her. I love you. Momma
Libbi, I just re-read what I posted and wanted to make it clear that Jenna lived for five years after the cancer diagnosis! Then, when she went, it was unexpected and excruciatingly, or a blessing, she went FAST. We followed the ambulance to Charleston- I KNEW something was different this time-she went straight into the ICU and 5 days later, left this Earth! And some truly amazing things happened during that time. I will explain privately. Again, this is God's timing for this, because as I had tried to say, May had been an extra-weird, horrible month, but I wrote "ay." Thanking you again, I remain your loving Aunt, Terri xo
Oh, Libbie, you and this for Jenna Rose, mean so very much to me, and to Jim and Spencer!!! I just could not write before-too hard. Remember when we all went out to eat together when we were living in Cola, at the house Fred had bought, but then turned it over to Otis? It was on a hill. You all came in, it had a valued ceiling. Libbie, you and Jenna looked SO much alike, ;physically! You were both tall/at least taller than I and both were beautiful, complexion, hair, eyes and lashed, lips-just the whole "package", if you will. Helen and Otis were there, and your dear parents, and Christie Lee-it was a fun group! This is the exact right time for you to have done this. And it is God's time. I'm so sorry I have not been able to write you all-Arthur keeps us updated with the wonderful letters and pictures, and news of your bigger-all-the -time family! I WANT to write you ALL-maybe one that everyone can share and this has bolstered me to try! I have had a horrible month of ay-so this is just right. Prayerfully, you will check on your comment and see this. Then, I want to know the best address to send a letter to everyone explaining Jenna's courageous, long and completely calm, never-complaining, EVER, journey of 17 years of fighting off brain tumors (5), 3 surgeries, and benign but killing her anyway, and beating all that, with the Head of The Neurosurgery Department, a wonderful human being Calmly! Only to find out a short few years(?) later, she had multiple, metastatic, Stage 4 adenocarcinoma, and we were back at the same hospital, two hours or so away, with the Head of the Gynoclogical Oncology Department.He thought the world of the Head Neuro Dr. as so many around the world do! She was not a surgical candidate-she was too sick and they had to work on the cancer first, to even get her to that point, which they didn't really think they could-but we kept trying and so did he and so did I and so did Jenna. Since this is a sort-of public forum, I won't go into all specifics, but it was many places w/tumors inside of and on top of tumors.Her liver had more tumors than liver! They counted up to 30, then stopped and had to put "indeterminate." She simply listened, altho' deafness had gotten worse, and calmly took it all in. She was an amazing light in the world-so talented artistically and happily creative. Thank you so much for writing. Let's go from here. There must be a way to get yall's address without it going out on a public forum like this, okay? Love, Terri, Jim, Spencer
In loving memory of my cousin Jenna Rose. I remember our time together at Grandy (Otis Williams)’s funeral. My love and comfort to your grieving Mom and family. So thankful for heaven! ❤️
There is a poem by W.H. Auden called Funeral Blues and if we had been able to have a service for you, that describes how I feel exactly. I miss you more than I can say. So, I turn to the words of another. Always, Mom xo
It was on the 28th when you tried to get up for your appointment, fell, and we followed the ambulance to Charleston. I just cannot sleep-cannot sleep-I miss you too much, but that's not possible-is it? Why can't you answer me?
Momma
I am thinking about you and your "closer to you than your own shadow" dear little 16 year old Sasha kitty, spending time for Easter season, her riding on your shoulder. Love & Peace from your family, honey. Mom xo
Easter with you & family-church, special outfit, reverence, good food, Easter egg hunts, time--time we never knew would be so short with you. Yet, Jesus is risen and you are eternally home. Oh, how we miss you, though, my sweet girl. Momma xo
If anyone sees this who knew and therefore loved Jenna, know now that her precious fur-baby, "Sasha" is with her now, a little over two days, Earthtime. Jenna's Mom and Sasha's Grandmom, Terri
It is, right now, just after 130 a.m., that I let you slip away into the beautiful mystery that is your own journey. The ICU nurses were wonderful. You are gone. We are left. I keep trying to understand how to go on without you-you, who was the double rainbow to my cloud, the answer to my questions, the aligner of my soul, so that God could work. I adore you, my beautiful little flower, Jenna Rose, who attracted hummingbirds, butterflies, bees, all of nature, that you always did and always will care for, like the angel Ariel. Your Mommy, Terry xoxoxo
You were my great blessing, my precious Jenna Rose.This is the last night you were able to talk-what you said-did-the most loving and courageous expression I've ever heard of! Love, Momma xo
Jenna, darling, please see when RBG has an eternal minute and the 2 of you talk; put your heads together.You both KNOW how much trouble we've got here. Thanks! Love Always, Mom
With all of our love, my darling girl, Momma
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